Most motivational stories tend to linger around this idea of overcoming an obstacle or reminiscing once you’re over the bump in the road, a ‘looking back on darker days’ if you will. With this in mind I have been eagerly anticipating my shining moment when I too will get the chance to write about how happy I am now and how proud I am of myself for pushing through my struggles. The reality of the situation is that, that day has yet to come – and I don’t see why I should hold out for it either. Life is about the here and the now, so let’s be real and raw, let’s address the issues we face and open up about the stuff no one really wants to.
There is a quote doing its rounds on the internet that I really took notice of, it was something like “don’t compare your life to someone else’s highlight reel”, this relating to social media and the ‘power of the gram’ as it is known. Living in the times of social media and it’s rise is definitely having a deep psychological effect on the youth of today. More and more issues are surfacing that have come about through constantly scrolling the lives of others; comparison between yourself and others and of course insecurities that go hand in hand with that comparison. I don’t really want to dwell too deep into that as that is a topic all on its own, but what point I am trying to make is that no one wants to step out and be the person to admit – you know what? I had a really bad day. Actually I’ve had a really bad week. Personally I don’t think we intend to present ourselves this way, we log online to connect with others and share a positive aspect of our day or share something important to us. Unfortunately what this transpires to most is this façade, day in and day out of living a perfect life.
Right now in my life I don’t think I am particularly sad, nor am I particularly happy either. I find myself stumbling along on a day-to-day basis just ‘okay’. Sure there are days where I am happier than others, as well as days when I am sadder than others, but generally speaking when I look over my life, I feel as though I am consistently just ‘okay’. I don’t feel a peace in my heart nor a contentment with life the way I used to. This is a confusing reality for me to face up to as I know I live a really good life. I have an amazing family and have been blessed with everything I need to succeed in life (that’s a nice way of me saying I am a spoilt brat at times) so what do I have to be anything but happy about? Without discrediting my own challenges and hardships, I know the issues I have are minuscule in comparison to the things others are going through, so again, WHY can’t I just be as happy as I want to be? When I was younger I used to get so annoyed with unhappy people, or if someone labelled themselves as a ‘depressed’ person, just make yourself happy for goodness sake? I guess that’s all part of growing up though, learning that whether internally or externally you can’t always force yourself to be a certain way. You just have to do your best to stay positive and ride it out.
I caught myself speaking to a friend not to long ago and I distinctively remember saying sorry for something, followed by, “I just haven’t been in a good place lately”. It took me a minute before I realised I’ve been saying that for quite some time now. When last was I in a good place? When last did I feel entirely like my old self? The person that I am familiar with. It’s difficult, not just feeling these feelings but trying to explain to others what you’re going through. Some don’t care nor do they wish to try to understand. The few people who do care are only sympathetic for a period of time, let’s be honest, you can only endure a sad or restless person for so long. So I try block my mind of these thoughts and ignore what may really be going on underneath it all. The beginning of this year was the first time in which I really admitted to myself that I wanted a change, I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. This was an aspect that contributed to me moving back to Cape Town to be with my family (I’ll chat more about my move in a post to come). Due to work, my living arrangements and being let down by friends I was alone a lot (to my own doing as well of course) and for someone who is a natural extrovert that is not helpful. I am hoping being surround by the people who love me most well help combat what I’ve been dealing with internally. Although I am working on opening up about my personal life, I still have to respect the privacy of others around me, so without saying too much I will mention that I am hopeful my challenges with friends and other relationships will iron themselves out once I reconnect with God. Joining a church again and working on my relationship with Him is very important to me and may be a huge factor to why I’ve been feeling the way I have.
Usually when I sit down to write a blog post I have a topic in mind, a focal point so to speak. Today’s post isn’t about anything in particular but rather my round about way of expressing that it’s okay if you’re not okay. Please don’t take away from this that I am an unhappy person who sits around all day crying and complaining, that is not the case! Right now, I am just okay – and that’s okay too! Because I know this is temporary, everything in life is only for a season. Whatever challenges you are facing, trials and tribulations, you are definitely not alone. If nothing makes you feel better, if nothing seems like it will help, take comfort in that. Take comfort in knowing yesterday, today and maybe tomorrow you aren’t feeling yourself, but you still continue to get up every morning and try. You try to work hard in what matters to you, you try to push through your feelings and you try to be the best person you can be. To me that is courageous and inspiring, so I urge you. If you are reading this and you can identify with some small part of what I have said, keep on keeping on.